Raves & Rants & Romance, Arkansas

By Paul Levine

I got a sneak peak at "Fast Track," Lee Goldberg's two hour, action-packed pilot for German television.

SOCKO! It's a tire-screeching, heart-pounding, street-racing tale with the look and feel of a feature film.

Lee wrote and executive-produced the pilot, which was shot in English, and will be sub-titled on the Continent. While incorporating the action sequences of a Bruckheimer film, it's laced with the wit and charm that Lee brings to all his writing. I'm betting that "Fast Track" will be syndicated in dozens of countries around the world, including cable in the U.S.A.
Lee is a well known television writer ("Monk," "Diagnosis Murder"), showrunner ("Martial Law"), novelist ("The Man with the Iron-On Badge," "Mr. Monk and His Two Assistants"), non-fiction writer ("Successful Television Writing") and international playboy. Okay, maybe not the last item; he doesn't have the time.
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POLLY LEVINE IS BACK; LIEBE MACHT BLIND

While Lee Goldberg is a big macher, in Germany, I remain a little pisher.

Actually, I remain transgendered. Yes, "Polly" is back. The book club edition of "Solomon and Lord" is out with a new cover and the vomitous title "Liebe Lebenslänglich," ("Lifelong Love").
As anybody who's read the book knows, Steve Solomon and Victoria Lord are antagonists whose relationship is always on the brink of disaster. And...Victoria would never, ever wear that silly pink-bowed prom dress.
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"YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB, BERTIE."

President Bush "reluctantly" accepted the resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. Earlier in the day, the President reluctantly removed a splinter from his butt. Or to paraphrase MSNBC's Chris Matthews, the Administration has pruned the rotten limbs from the tree. Rumsfeld. Rove. Gonzalez.

Now if they could only do something about the trunk.
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DIMWIT OF THE WEEK (OTHER THAN ALBERTO GONZALEZ)

This award goes to Bill Stewart of Romance, Arkansas. Not making up the name of the town. The late John Keasler of The Miami News (also departed) often referred to the fictional town of Bark, Ark., but Romance is real. Here's Mr. Stewart, as quoted in The Washington Post (still alive, as of today).

"The reason for the Michael Vick thing . . . is because athletes have a keen insight into courage and determination, which is what pit bulls possess," said Bill Stewart, a breeder in Romance, Ark., who publishes the Pit Bull Reporter. "Athletes understand better than anyone what dogfighting is about. It's about two highly conditioned athletes going at each other with everything they have to try to win. It's the purest form of combat on earth."

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IS SOMEONE GOOFING WITH WIKIPEDIA SATELLITE MAPS?

A newspaper story recently reported that the tiny town of Arvin in the San Joaquin Valley was the "smoggiest" place in the United States. That sent me to Wikipedia Maps to have a satellite look. Wikipedia maps have little squares that can be clicked to show the locations of schools, parks, police stations. But on this satellite map, part way between Arvin and the even tinier town of Weedpatch (yes, from "Grapes of Wrath" fame), I found these unique locations. "Central City Crackhouse," "Dopers Delight," "Wetback City West" and "Huerta's Whorehouse."

I'm asking Agent Jim Born to investigate.

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LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FOOLISH

The Los Angeles Times reports that a small L.A. garment manufacturer made a custom pair of diamond and ruby encrusted jeans for Las Vegas hotelier and big shot Steve Wynn (right). The cost, $18,000. Just wondering what this says about values, folks.

Meanwhile, on the homestead, Renee keeps asking me to throw out my $11 bell-bottom jeans from the 1970's.

(You may forward this post by clicking the envelope below, and we'll pay the postage!)

Paul