"Call Me Fish Meal"

By Paul Levine

Let's s talk lit-er-chur.

A line I wish I’d written...

“There are no one hundred percent heroes.”--Opening Line of Cinnamon Skin by John D. MacDonald

A line I’m glad I didn’t write...

"I'll never know what the fuck I did to trip their little triggers, but these rice eaters jumped on me quicker than Monica Lewinsky swallows."--The Reaper's Line: Life and Death on the Mexican Border, by Lee Morgan II. (Describing his arrest of illegal Chinese immigrants)

A line I would have screwed up, as follows...

“It was the best of times. On the other hand, it wasn’t so great."

A line I didn’t have the cojones to write...

“Call me Fish Meal.”

(My first draft opening line of “Trial & Error,” where little Bobby Solomon talks to dolphins and believes they speak to him.)

A Title the Publisher Rejected...

Habeas Porpoise, the proposed title of
Trial & Error.

The Greatest Title in the History of Publishing...

Thinner Thighs in Thirty Days
(A massive bestseller published several years ago).

Advice to Young Playwrights, Novelists and Screenwriters.

Don’t write speeches...unless you’re Aaron Sorkin and Jack Nicholson has agreed to play the part.

"Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Okay, so much for lit-er-chur. Let’s get to the news of the week, which is chock full of LIES, SEX & PURPLE HEARTS

REPUBLICANS PLAN MERGER, BUY BASSINET


Like the five Romney sons, clean-cut and apple-cheeked Republican Henry Hager has no plans to join the Army and head off to Iraq. Unlike the Romney boys, Hager is betrothed to Jenna Bush. This bright and ambitious lad, who once served as an intern to Karl (Attila the Hun) Rove), is finishing up his M.B.A. at the University of Virginia

Meanwhile, British bookmakers are preparing to set odds on whether Ms. Bush is preggers. According to numerous Internet scandal rags, she's been plumping up, lately. When I learn the china pattern she's registered at Pottery Barn, I'll pass it on.

Meanwhile, Hager's former boss, Karl (Bush's Brain) Rove is quitting his post as Deputy Devil Incarnate in the Administration. What can I say? Maybe this?

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ALBERTO GONZALEZ'S LIPS ARE MOVING

Can we simply agree that Attorney General Albert Gonzalez is a lying swine? A pencil-pushing, boot-licking, butt-kissing, yes-man for President Bush.



Remember the infamous hospital visit to the bedside of hospitalized John Ashcroft, when Gonzalez tried to wheedle Ashcroft's approval for warrantless wiretapping. Gonzalez testified, under oath, that Ashcroft was "lucid" and "did most of the talking."

Funny, because now we see that FBI Director Robert Mueller took notes saying that Ashcroft was "feeble," "barely articulate" and "stressed."

Aw, what's the use? In a just world, Gonzalez would be in a federal prison, not running the so-called Justice Department.

As the Cat says to Alice: "We're all mad here."
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ARMY RUNS OUT OF PURPLE HEARTS

Korean War veteran Nyles Reed, 75, opened an envelope to learn a Purple Heart had been approved for injuries he sustained as a Marine on June 22, 1952.

But there was no medal. Just a certificate and a form stating that the medal was "out of stock."

"I can imagine, of course, with what's going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, there's a big shortage," Reed said. From Daily Kos.

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At ease, Paul