"Cave Ab Homine Unius Libri"

By Paul Levine


A BRIDGE TOO FAR

It will cost an estimated $460 billion to repair all the nation's substandard bridges. The cost-to-date of the Iraq War is $450 billion.



GOD CALLING. WHOOPS, WRONG NUMBER

"President Bush believes he was called by God to lead the nation at this time, says Commerce Secretary Don Evans, a close friend who talks with Bush every day." USA TODAY, April 2, 2003

An old Latin expression applies equally to American Bible thumpers and students memorizing the Koran in the madrassas of Pakistan and Saudi Arabia.

"Cave ab homine unius libri."

"Beware the man of one book." Or the boy...

PAUL'S PEERLESS POLITICAL AND PIGSKIN PREDICTIONS

I'm quite good at this, as evidenced by my telling Mitch Albom several years ago that NO ONE would buy a book about his weekly visits to an old, dying professor. I also told Mitchell Kaplan, owner of "Books & Books" in Miami not to worry about this new company called "Amazon" because people won't buy books they can't hold in their hands.

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, who described the Internet as a "series of tubes" and earmarked your tax dollars for the "Bridge to Nowhere," will resign in a plea deal shortly after indictment on corruption charges.

A Grief-Stricken Father, possibly a Vietnam vet with sniper training who lost a son or daughter in the Iraq War, will take a shot at President Bush.

[Note to the FBI, Secret Service, and NSA computers, which scan the Internet for threats against the President: Naked Scribblers disdain violence, even a cream pie in the face. Therefore, I am not one of the approximately 15,000 people who will threaten the President this year.]

Notre Dame will lose at least four football games this season. Coach Charlie Weis will receive more than 15,000 death threats, many from priests.

Super Bowl Prediction: In a huge upset, the University of Southern California will defeat the Indianapolis Colts, 21-17. After the game, Colts' coach Tony ("Sour Grapes") Dungy will complain that U.S.C. has a higher payroll.

To Mars or Bust: In his final State of the Union message, President Bush will clarify a goal he set in an earlier speech, that of sending a man to Mars. Now, Mr. Bush insists, the man will be Alberto Gonzalez, as it's the only way to keep his sorry ass from being chewed to pieces by feisty Senators.

Vice President Cheney's request that Google delete his house from its satellite view will be exposed as a ruse to keep peepers from seeing the Veep's nude sunbathing sessions with Scooter Libby. Meanwhile...

Scooter Libby, in an effort to improve his image, legally changes his first name to "Booger."

The National Tickets: Republicans nominate Rudy Giuliani with Fred Thompson as his running mate. Democrats opt for Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Rudy refuses to give up cross-dressing because "it turns Judy on." Hillary promises to appoint hubby Bill ambassador to Jamaica, where he'll move the embassy to one of the clothing-optional resorts. Thompson says, if he had his druthers, Sam Waterston would be appointed Attorney General. And Obama, in an effort to boost his foreign policy credentials, says he's looked into Vladimir Putin's eyes and has seen "one scary motherfucker."

New York Senator Charles Schumer wins the coveted "Hedge Fund Whore of the Year" award when he succeeds in shit-canning legislation that would have required fund billionaires to pay taxes at the same rates as their salaried employees.

In the presidential election,
write-in candidate Dave Barry stuns pundits by carrying Boca Raton, Florida after promising to crack down on price-fixing in the matzoh industry.

The Feds build a 1900-mile fence along our southern border, cutting off illegal immigration from Mexico. Los Angeles hospitals report an astounding increase in "severed fingers and toes," as homeowners are forced to cut their lawns and hedges for the first time. In related news, the cost of lettuce rises to $10 a head.

The F.D.A. refuses to ban imports of Chinese tofu on the grounds that its levels of lead, plutonium, and cow poop are within "tolerable limits."

People vs. Spector: In the latest Trial of the Century, the jury acquits record producer and professional weirdo Phil Spector of murder and convicts him of the lesser charge of manslaughter in the shooting death of actress Lana Clarkson. Jurors are hopelessly deadlocked on their favorite Spector wig.



Spector left little doubt, however about his feelings as he listened to the prosecutor in a pre-trial hearing.
In San Quentin, the only "wall of sound" Spector will hear is the noise he makes when he's passed around like a beach ball at a Dodgers' game.

QUESTION FOR READERS

If you could ask the President one question, what would it be?

Gotta go, now. Time for my meds. Then, anger management class. And finally, target shooting at the Firing Line in Burbank.

Or is it the other way around?

Paul