Paul Tackles Religion: "Oy to the World..."

Holiday greetings from your pal, Paul

Stop the presses: MITT ROMNEY BELIEVES IN GOD!

Not only that, he respects ALL religions, blowing kisses at:

"[T]he profound ceremony of the Catholic Mass, the approachability of God in the prayers of the evangelicals, the tenderness of spirit among the Pentecostals, the confident independence of the Lutherans, the ancient traditions of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the commitment to frequent prayer of the Muslims."

Forgive me my trespasses, but what a mouthful of pandering claptrap.

Do you think Mitt was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and suddenly blurted out, "Ann, I was just thinking about the confident independence of the Lutherans?"

Or do you think some speechwriter flak said, "How can we smooch the most butts?"
On a personal level, however, thanks for the appreciation of Jewish traditions. What's your favorite, Mitt? The weirdly paganistic circumcision rite known as a bris, or Bar Mitzvahs costing six figures and headlining the Beach Boys?"
ROMNEY CLAIMS MORMONS DON'T EAT CHILDREN

Frankly, I don't care if Romney believes that an angel directed a teenager named Joe Smith in upstate New York to a set of golden tablets containing the true words of God, including the admonition to marry often, Joe himself taking a couple dozen wives, two of whom were apparently fourteen years old on their wedding night.

Oh? He does? Really?

...BUT GOD SUPPORTS MIKE HUCKABEE!

This must be true because it comes from the Liberty University website:

When Liberty University Chancellor Jerry Falwell Jr. introduced Republican presidential candidate Gov. Mike Huckabee at Wednesday’s convocation, he said Huckabee told university leaders during a visit here last year that “if this candidacy really took off it would have to be a God thing.”

It seems God has done his thing.

The junior Falwell was referring to Huckabee's surge in the Iowa polls. Apparently, God was so busy passing out I-Love-Huck buttons in the heartland, He (or She) fouled up and let that 7.9 earthquake hit Peru.

Hold your fire! Is this the same God who voted for George W. Bush -- several times in Ohio in 2004?

The Huck surge is coming from evangelicals, a group not known for its sense of humor. I mean, when's the last time you saw an evanglical wearing a t-shirt that said: "What Would Scooby Do?" Some believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints is a "cult." Excuse me, but aren't all religions?
Thanks to The Los Angeles Times, we just learned that Huckabee believes in freeing rapists and putting AIDS patients in prison. Okay, so I exaggerate. But, here's what's true. As Arkansas Governor, Huckabee twisted the arms of the Parole Board to free a convicted, violent rapist because the man had accepted Jesus and been saved while in prison. The rapist was released, and before you could say "Norman Mailer and Jack Henry Abbott," the man killed two women. Whoops. Back in 1992, as a candidate for the Senate, Huckabee opposed increasing federal funds for an AIDS cure and endorsed a plan to "isolate" AIDS patients.

THIS NAKED SCRIVENER'S FAVORITE RELIGIOUS INJUNCTION

Chapter 24, Verse 2 of the Koran gently admonishes:

"The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, flog each of them with 100 stripes: Let no compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day."

Wait! My wife, Renee, has just interrupted this BLOG. Background info. Renee is a graduate of Archbishop Curley High School in Miami. (Or, as some wags call it, "Archbishop Larry, Moe & Curley High School." Hence, Renee has a religious upbringing. She is also an alum of the University of Florida, where the religion is football.

Actual Renee/Paul dialogue of two minutes ago:

"Don't write about religion. You'll make people angry."

"That's my job."

"When are you going to get over the Spanish Inquisition?"

"When you get over the Crucifixion."

WE RETURN YOU NOW TO THE BLOG, where we will follow Renee's advice and move on.
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PAL PENS THRILLER

My Miami pal, former TV Anchorgal Jennifer Valoppi, has just published her first novel.
It's "Certain Cure," an end-days thriller that bridges the gap between science and religion – where Judeo-Christian prophecies intersect with modern physics and nanotechnology. Yes, religion again!

You can read an excerpt here, and order a signed copy here.
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THIS MAKES ME FEEL OLD...
Caroline Kennedy, daughter of JFK, turned 50 last month. Hitting the Big Five-Oh 50 in 2008: Prince. How can this be? To steal the lyrics from Tevye: I don't remember growing older. When did they?

At the other end of the spectrum, Diablo Cody, screenwriter of the lavishly praised new comedy, “Juno,” is 29, sports tattoos, swears she mutters “cock ring” in her sleep, refers to herself as the “prodigal C_ _ T” (Renee will not let me type the word), and says the first movie she saw in a theater was “E.T.”

Diablo's blog is entitled "The Pussy Ranch" and is worth a visit. [I have it on good authority that Romney and Huckabee surf Pussy Watch daily]. And yes, she's the author of "Candy Girl," an account of the year she spent working as a stripper in Minneapolis.

With joy to all and malice to none, except a few people I'd like to "flog with 100 stripes,"

Paul