Naked Navigation

Patty here…

First of all, here’s a NakedAuthors holiday greeting from all of us to all of you. If clicking on the link doesn’t work, you may have to cut and paste. Trust me. It’s worth the effort just to see Jim Born and Paul Levine in elf slippers. Here's the link: http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1430339331

Onward. Over the weekend I was sorting through my expenses for 2007 and noticed that I’d driven over 2500 miles on Southern California’s highways and byways this year, visiting bookstores and speaking at various events. Most of the time I’m driving alone at night in unfamiliar territory. That’s why I have only one requirement in a car—it must have a navigation system. My current ride is German, and it has a nav system that uses a disembodied woman’s voice. My friend Karen Olson calls her “Sonja.” I call her She Who Must be Obeyed.

Sonja and I don’t always agree. She may be good at directions but I have my finger on the pulse of L.A. traffic. As a result, I sometimes make a turn she doesn’t like. I know this because after a moment of confusion, she will say in a tone that can only be described as clipped and authoritarian, “RECALCULATING!” (I guess you can take the girl out of Stuttgart but you can’t take the Stuttgart out of the girl.)

Sonja thinks she’s perfect, but she’s not. Sometimes her directions sound like a dachshund’s shrill bark, making it difficult to decipher if she wants me to turn left or right. Last Thursday, I was on my way to do a radio interview in Studio City. Sonja wanted me to go east on the 10 Freeway. It wouldn’t have been my choice, but to keep the peace, I complied.

“In two-tenths of a mile,” she said, “exit at La Cienega Boulevard.”

And there’s another of her flaws. She can’t pronounce La Cienega. She says, “La sin NAY ga instead of La see N ega. It’s irritating, because as many times as we’ve been down that road before (so to speak), she should know better by now. On the other hand, I appreciate her telling me “You have arrived at your destination” and on what side of the street the address is located. All of this reminds me once again that relationships are all about compromise.

All of the navigation systems I’ve ever heard use women’s voices. I find that curious because experience tells me men don’t like women telling them to “safely make a U-turn when possible.” So what gives? Do you guys secretly like back-seat driving or are you just looking for a little dominatrix action during those long, lonely commutes to and from work?

Maybe we entrepreneurial Nakeds should start a business of customizing the voices on navigation systems. We’ll call it Naked Navs. Voice Option 1: the kind and socially conscious voice of Our J, with the added bonus of that lovely British accent of hers, telling you to veer left and for the sake of the polar bears, shouldn't you really be driving a Prius? Voice Option 2: the James O, tough guy kick ass and drive safe or I’ll plug your book with my Glock sort of voice. Voice Option 3: Paulie’s wise-cracking directional patter that will keep you laughing even in the worst traffic snarls. As a bonus, it will also highlight all of the anti-war rallies along the route. Voice Option 4: Miss Cornelia’s hip, irreverent social commentary, advising you to “Hang a U-ey, Dude, and while you’re at it, let's load and listen to that CD of the Oranim Zabar Israeli Troupe, singing about the new highway from Beersheeba to Elath.” Voice Option 5: Me—at least I know how to pronounce La Cienega.

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Happy Monday.