L.A. Confidential: How to Beat a Murder Rap

From Paul Levine

My good friend Randy Anderson is appalled by the hung jury in the Phil Spector murder trial. A native Minnesotan, the son of a Lutheran minister, and a former college basketball player, Randy still believes in “equal justice under law,” the words carved in the granite of our courthouses. Or, he did...until watching People vs. Spector, both on Court TV and in the courtroom.

PHIL SPECTOR SHOWS HIS RESPECT FOR THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM

Randy is no rube. He has a master’s degree and has worked as a teacher, a journalist, and a business owner before coming to L.A. where he’s enjoyed a highly successful career as a television writer. But he’s peeved about the clearly GUILTY Phil Spector getting away with killing actress Lana Clarkson.

(Spector will be retried. It took the state more than four years to get him to court the first time. Presumably, the second trial will take place within a few months, but don’t count on it. Free on bail, living in his mansion, it’s in Spector’s interest to delay as long as possible. Expect new defense lawyers to slink into the case, pleading for time to prepare.)

With righteous indignation, and with input from other court watchers who have posted thousands of comments on the Court TV website, Randy passes on this primer on getting away with murder.

1. A moment after shooting the victim, let a witness see you with the gun in your hand.

2. Tell the witness: “I think I just killed somebody.”

3. Do not dial 911.

4. Clean up as much of the evidence as possible, including wiping down the gun and placing it near the victim, as if she dropped it after committing suicide.

5. Be belligerent with the cops and tell them the victim was a "piece of shit."

6. Have a long history of shoving guns in women’s faces when demanding sex or just for the hell of it because you’re a psychotic creep.

7. Fire the lawyer who advises you to plead guilty, then sue him to get back your retainer.

8. Hire a platoon of expensive mouthpieces who will smear the deceased victim's reputation with vicious lies. . Blowhard Bruce Cutler, who skipped much of the trial to film a reality TV show, attempts to fly.

9. Hire big name expert witnesses who will contort the evidence, obfuscate the truth, and confuse the jury.

10. But most important, only do this in Los Angeles where you are sure to get a couple of flakes on the jury, which will then be hung, 10-2 for conviction.


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COLLEGE FOOTBALL WORLD UPSIDE DOWN

Sunshine State Turnaround: Would you have taken this bet a month ago?

"Five weeks into the college football season, the University of South Florida will be ranked higher than Miami, Florida State or defending national champion Florida."

You better believe it. USF, which didn't have a team until about 10 minutes ago, is ranked sixth in the current AP poll. Florida, upset Saturday by Auburn -- a team USF defeated -- is tenth in the rankings. Florida State and Miami, traditional powerhouses, are nowhere to be found in the Top 25.

My beloved Penn State Nittany Lions have dropped two games in a row, and there's no joy in Happy Valley. Yep. I'm hurting. But it could be worse. Notre Dame is 0-5. [If you reverse the numbers, you get Charlie Weis' pants size.]

Paul