Most of the comments in my books come from things I hear cops say every day. Sometimes
the comments are so good I have to develop a scene just to work them in.I like cops, I like to laugh and I like to write. Here’s a chance to do them all at once.
Here’s a joke someone sent me about cops:
A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration, please."
The guy says, "What for?"
"You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
The cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
The guy says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
The guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
The Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." Then the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the guy and says:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Here’s one about marriage I like too.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
Do you have a joke that talks about some aspect of your life you'd like to share?
A regional joke - and a disclaimer that I don't condone spousal abuse :)
ReplyDeleteThree men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Minnesota and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days to see a difference, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from North Dakota. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from South Dakota. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye...enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
Here's an old L.A. joke. A waiter approaches a couple at a table.
ReplyDelete"Hi, I'm your waiter, but what I really want to do is direct."
Snoopy is at his typewriter on top of the dog house. Lucy approaches.
Lucy: You should try writing an adventure story. Try writing about a real hero type.
Snoopy types: It was a dark and stormy Knight.
Okay, okay. It's early. I'm just warming up.
Go-LO.....aren't you still in the "jury room?" There's gotta be loads of funny material there....
ReplyDeleteLike did you hear the one about.....Our judicial system and Phil Spector? There's no punch line, THAT is the joke.
OK. A woman buys a parrot, but is not told that it has a very vulgar vocabulary.
When the parrot arrives at her new home, she is place inside a beautiful hanging cage. Suddenly the parrot starts spewing all sorts of profanity and vulgarities.
Well, the woman is shocked and calls the pet store to complain. She is advised that there are NO returns or exchanges....But, she is further advised, there is a priest over in nearby town who owns two extraordinary parrots --- and the two might help "Polly" overcome her debauchery. One of the parrots says the Lords Prayer all day long, while the other does "Hail Mary's" with the Rosary Beads.
The woman contacts the priest and explains her problem with Polly. The priest tells her that he's willing to give it a chance...
When the woman arrives at the rectory, the priest brings out his two parrots. Sure enough, they are doing the Lords Prayer and the hail Mary's....Then the woman brings out Polly.
Polly shouts out, "I'm Polly and I'm a RED HOT prostitute!" {Hey, I had to clean it up a little here so we don't get that "X" rating}
One of the priest's parrots looks at the other and says, "Put down the beads, our prayers have been answered."
Jon
Lori,
ReplyDeleteThat's great. Knowing a girl from South Dakota, I believe it.
You guys should all be comedians.
I'll post some more over the next few months.
Jim
ETHICS QUESTION ON THE FLORDA BAR EXAM:
ReplyDeleteA lawyer bills his client for $1,000. The client mistakenly sends the lawyer a check for $10,000.
Q: What's the ethical question?
A: Should the lawyer tell his partner?
A follow up to Paul's joke:
ReplyDeleteProminent businessman J. Harrington Fleem was being interred in the best plot in the local cemetery. Present were his business partner, his accountant, and his lawyer. Suddenly his business partner burst into tears. "Oh, Harry," he wailed, "I can't live with the guilt anymore! I cheated you. I embezzled from the business." He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a bag of cash. "Here! Here are all my ill-gotten gains!" and he poured the money into the open grave.
Suddenly, his accountant burst into tears as well. "Harry," he cried, "I betrayed your trust too! I cooked the books and skimmed off money from your corporations. But here," and he pulled out a briefcase, "here's the money back!" He opened the briefcase and poured a pile of cash into the grave.
The lawyer began to sniffle, then to sob, then to wail with remorse. "Harry," he said, "I too cheated you. I over-billed you shamelessly. I billed for work I didn't do. I stole from your trust accounts. Oh, Harry, I even slept with your wife! And to show how sorry I am..." he reached into his vest pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and threw it in the grave, "here is my PERSONAL CHECK for one million dollars!"
Okay, here's a cop joke:
ReplyDeleteA cop pulls over a truck for speeding. He walks up to the driver's side window and asks for the driver's license and registration. The driver's a little slow getting them out, so the cop whips out his nightstick and WHAPP! slams it into the driver's face.
After getting the license and registration, the cop asks the driver to step out of the car. the driver's a little slow in complying so the cop takes his nightstick and OOOOF!slams the driver in the stomach. Figuring the driver's had enough, the cop says, "okay, buddy, I'm going to let you off with a warning." He then walks around the truck where the passenger is watching all this and WHACK! hits the passenger over the head with the nightstick.
"Hey!" the passenger says, "What wad that for!?"
"I'm just granting your wish," the cop says.
"Wish? What wish?"
"I know," the cop says "the minute your buddy here drove off you were planning to turn to him and go 'I wish that sumbitch had tried that nightstick crap with ME...."
I'm very fond of a joke that starts out with "what's a clam's mating call?" But you kind of have to be in the room to get the punchline...
ReplyDeleteJ.D.
ReplyDeleteFirst I like that the lawyers will joke about lawyers.
Second the cop one is a classic.
Cornelia,
Now i have to hear the joke.
Jon, I was not picked for the team and when I started having grade school flashbacks, they sent me home. It's really so sad. NOT!
ReplyDeleteGO-LO
Thomas Dewey founder of Dewey,Ballantine,Bushby,Palmer & Wood, also of "defeats Truman" fame, called into the office one Saturday afternoon. He called in an effort to find an associate to do some work for him.
ReplyDeleteAfter getting a young associate on the phone, Mr Dewey explained what he needed and emphasized that it had to be done IMMEDIATELY.
The associate responded that he could not possibly take on any more work because he already was expected to be in the office ALL weekend completing a project that was due on Monday.
Attorney Dewey, not believing what he was hearing from the associate,asked,"Do you know who this IS?" When the associate said he did not,he was told,"This is Mr Thomas Dewey." After a short pause, the associate asked,"Do you know who THIS is?" When Mr Dewey replied no, he didn't...the associate hung up the phone.
Just got this from a former colleague--it made me smile!
ReplyDeleteTHE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."
(Dedicate this to Intrepid Spouse, perhaps?)
mbh
Nice one, MBH!!
ReplyDelete