"Rescue at Sea": the latest thrilling episode of MARINE RADIO

Patty here…

Those of you who follow this blog know I’m a sailor. At the moment I’m bobbing around on a mooring in Cat Harbor at Santa Catalina Island CA. It’s rustic and remote. Labor Day weekend attracts more boats than usual and more unusual boats. When heading west from this harbor, there is nothing but open ocean all the way to Hawaii and beyond. When the sun goes down it’s as dark as Elvira’s wig. There are no city lights, no lighthouse, no beacons except for the anchor lights of sailboats in the harbor and the occasional flicker of a TV below deck. We have no TV onboard, no stereo, just books and tall tales. Occasionally we tune in to our favorite soap opera: MARINE RADIO.

Last night at about 9:30 p.m., I nestled my back into the soft pellets of my beanbag as water lapped against the hull and tuned the handheld radio to Channel 9, the designated channel for Cat Harbor. I overheard the following conversation between the harbor patrol and the skipper of a sailboat I will call the BANANA FISH to protect the clueless. The skipper was lost somewhere on the back side of Santa Catalina Island. The dramedy went something like this:

EXT. Pacific Ocean. West side of Santa Catalina Island. Night.

HARBOR PATROL 

Skipper, do you have any idea where you are? 

SKIPPER 

(slurring his words) 

Nope but you better find me quick. I’m. Losing. Strength. 

HARBOR PATROL 

(unsure if the mariner is having a stroke or merely drunk) 

What port did you leave from this morning? 

 SKIPPER

 (after a long hesitation) 

San Pedro, Long Beach 

HARBOR PATROL 

(ignoring the fact that those are two different ports) 

What was your destination today? 

SKIPPER 

Wherever the wind blew me. 

HARBOR PATROL 

Look at your GPS and give me your coordinates. 

SKIPPER 

My what? Don’t have one of those. 

HAROR PATROL 

Do you have a cell phone with GPS capabilities? 

SKIPPER 

Yeah, I got a cell phone. No cell phone is produced. 

HARBOR PATROL 

How far are you from shore? 

SKIPPER 

I’d guess four miles. 

HARBOR PATROL 

Look at your compass and tell me in what direction you’re headed. 

SKIPPER 

Can’t see the compass. Too dark out here. 

HARBOR PATROL 

Can you turn on a light? 

SKIPPER 

Okay. Light’s on. I’m headed west. 

HARBOR PATROL 

You’re going in the wrong direction. Make a 180 turn and head east. 

 SKIPPER 

Lordy Magordy. Where in hell am I? 

V.O. A boater in the harbor breaks in. 

BOATER 

(in a heavy Booklyn accent) 

Gimme a break. Is this conversation for real? 

HARBOR PATROL 

Skipper, what is your compass reading now? 

SKIPPER

 South. 

For the next five minutes, Harbor Patrol tries but fails to point him toward the harbor. 

HARBOR PATROL 

I’m at Cat Head now. I’m shining a spotlight on the horizon to see if I can spot you. Do you see any lights? 

SKIPPER 

I see an anchor light, spreader lights and a running light. 

HARBOR PATROL 

Skipper, I’m not talking about the lights on your own vessel. I’m asking if you see my spotlight. 

SKIPPER 

Nope. Nothing like that. 

After listening to several minutes of Skipper’s rambling non sequiturs and incoherent slurred speech. 

HARBOR PATROL 

Skipper, switch to Channel 16. I’m going to have the Coast Guard pinpoint your location. 

Skipper switches to Channel 16 

COAST GUARD 

Banana Fish, this is U.S. Coast Guard Los Angeles. In order to locate you, I need you to count from 1 to 10, 1-2-3 up to 10 and then from 10 down to one, 10, 9, 8. 

SKIPPER 

(Tangling with the U.S. Coast Guard was not part of the plan. Wait! There was no plan. In a voice that he means to sound sober but merely sounds loud and wary.) 

Nine, eight, seven, six… 

COAST GUARD 

Sir, I’m using triangulation to locate your vessel. You have to count up from one 

He repeats the instructions. 

SKIPPER 

(sounding more and more suspicious) 

What’s triangulation got to do with me? 

COAST GUARD 

Sir, you do not know where you are. We do not know where you are. If you don’t follow my instructions nobody will ever know where you are. 

 SKIPPER

 (cagy)

 You know, the sea seems pretty calm tonight. I’m gonna just drop the anchor. 

COAST GUARD 

(relieved to be done with the Banana Fish and back to the latest episode of Duck Dynasty) 

Roger that. This is U.S. Coast Guard Los Angeles standing by on Channel 16. 

The only problem is the Banana Fish is four miles from shore where the depth is 1000 feet. He has only 250 feet of anchor rode and chain.

EXT. Somewhere off the coast of Guam. Night. Sixty-seven days later.

SKIPPER 

(slurring his words) 

Guam Harbor Patrol. This is sailing vessel Banana Fish. 

GUAM HARBOR PATROL

This is Guam Harbor Patrol. How can we help you? 

SKIPPER 

I’m lost somewhere off your coast. Dragging anchor. You gotta help me quick. I’m. Losing. Strength. 

At least the ship’s stores of Cutty Sark didn’t run low. Have a great Labor Day. Fair winds!