Balloonheads of the World, Unite

Random, scattered thoughts from Paul Levine...

YOUR LOYAL SLEUTH has uncovered a SECOND hoax in the "Balloon Boy" escapade. Cash-strapped TV stations did not send remote crews to the scene. Instead, they photographed a runaway Jiffy Pop container in the newsroom kitchen.

Balloting begins now. Who's the worst parent of the year? OctoMom or Richard (Balloonhead) Heene or Jon & Kate Gosselin? Lifetime Achievement Award to Joe Jackson, Michael's old man. Special posthumous award to John Phillips, father of MacKenzie.


I'M WORKING ON MY OWN "BALLOON EXCUSES"

Dear Random House: Yes, I know the manuscript for the new Jake Lassiter novel is overdue. You're not going to believe this, but I was building this helium balloon in my backyard. I planned to sail over to Oxnard to buy some salsa at the Farmer's Market and edit the m/s on the way. Unfortunately, the balloon took off with my m/s, and I think it's somewhere over Catalina right now...

"THE DROUGHT," Jim Born's Barry award-winning short story, could be the basis for a short course on how to write a character study. Young writers (and old ones like me, too) constantly fret over how much "interior" to give their POV characters. Jim hits the perfect balance with the interior life of his homicide detective protagonist investigating a tough, politically charged case, a cop's shooting of an unarmed man.

REMEMBER THE TITANS? If my arithmetic is correct, and I got a C in Math 2 at Penn State (there was no Math 1), Mark ("Brr, It's Cold") Sanchez had a QB rating of 8.3 yesterday while Tom Brady had a 152.8. A perfect rating is 158.3...impossible to score higher. Sanchez (10 of 29 for 119 yards, no TD's, 5 INT's) and the Jets lost to the Bills, 16-13, while Brady (29 of 34 for 380 yards, 6 TD's, no INTs) and the Patriots buried the Titans, 59-0. Speaking of winless Tennessee, is this the NFL's biggest collapse compared to the prior season? "Remember the Titans?" No, me either.

STOP DISSING THE BIG TEN: Prediction: Iowa will be one of the teams playing for the B.C.S. title. Iowa is #6 in the first week's standings. Yeah, go ahead and snicker S.E.C. and Big 12. I'd like to see Florida, Alabama, or Texas play the Hawkeyes in Iowa City on Jan 7....instead of the Rose Bowl. Let's see those southern teams play in wind and rain and slush. (Exhibit A: Mark Sanchez item, above).

BASEBALL TAKES TOO DAMN LONG: I'm not just talking about the 162 game regular season and the two sets of playoffs to get to the World Series, and the series itself, running nearly to Thanksgiving. We've had a 4 hour nine-inning game in the NLCS and a 5 hour, 10 minute extra-inning game between the Angels and Yankees. Jeez, my first marriage didn't last that long. If I were king of the world or occupied Bud (Light) Selig's chair, I'd pass a rule. No baseball game can run longer than the director's cut of "Lawrence of Arabia"...a healthy three hours, 47 minutes.

Paul Levine