Although I was raised in a relatively bland South Florida household, I have learned to embrace different cultures as Florida has evolved from a southern state to an international destination. Miami is now the Casablanca of the Caribbean, full of mystery, intrigue and money. As a pudgy person, I certainly embrace all forms of cultural diversity in food, gobbling up Cuban food with as much relish as Chinese food.
But there is one cultural trait which I refuse to accept or appreciate. This, of course, involves the European habit of a middle age, out of shape man wearing a small Speedo at the beach. I used to think that the human form could not make someone uneasy or uncomfortable but I now have to say that I was wrong. Most men should not be allowed the choice to wear a bikini anywhere in public and this includes the S
unshine State's miles and miles of beach.This prejudiced was reinforced last Saturday while I was jogging on the beach in the tiny town of Gulf Stream, Florida, not far from my house. While I would never consider myself graceful or antelope-like, at least I wear full shorts and a T-shirt while I fight my ever losing battle to age. As I cruised along the beach I was forced to watch a man running towards me in nothing but a bright red Speedo. I have nothing against the French, hot guys looking for other men, Olympic swimmers, or models from triathlete magazines, but I seriously doubt that this guy was any of those things. He was large and hairy with the running gait of a hippo after hip replacement surgery. I recognize that a Speedo may give him better tan lines but the image kept me from eating for several hours after the traumatic event.
We here in Florida have grown accustomed to outsiders and understand the need for tourism. We love our Canadian cousins to spend all winter here. We respect our English friends who find that their English Pounds go much further than they used to. We tolerate the French. But what we really need
is some common sense when it comes to beachwear.The before and after phots of the California Governor say it all. The random guy in a Speedo pounds the point home.
No matter what the urge, or your fashion sense tells you, Speedos are never the way. To quote Nancy Reagan, "Just say no, hell no!"
Are there any fashion statements which you are firmly against?
I would advise you to avoid Hollywood Beach for your runs, Jim. Our Canadian neighbors are out in force as the cold weather has attacked Ontario and Quebec, and it seems like the Speedo is the national bathing costume for men.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, when I retire? I'm going to spend my summers in Canada, driving REAL SLOW.
I've never laughed so hard - great post! I would have to say that my vote goes to older women who still choose to wear cleavage baring peasant tops....never will you see a cleavage line so long and.....flat. It's right scary!
ReplyDeleteLow-rider jeans with overflowing muffin tops.
ReplyDeleteNeil,
ReplyDeleteSpoken like`a true Hwood resident. I loved clothed Canadians.
Natalie, I hold a doube standard here. I admire women who don't let age slow them down. Call me a hypocrite but we're all about honesty here at Naked Authors.
Jim
Low riders with whale tails. Jeez, they're called underwear for a reason.
ReplyDeleteCarson
Spandex pants on women smuggling more than a few extra pounds.
ReplyDeleteAnd you will never see me in a Speedo. I don't even like to see myself in the mirror.
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Patty adn Carson, I have to respectfully disagree.
ReplyDeleteTerrenoire, we appreciate the restraint.
Jim
I work near two fitness centers. Sadly, this results in many people coming into my store after their workout still wearing their 'workout' gear. Many times they've been kind enough to put sweats or a jacket on but some folks apparently don't see the need. One fellow had on, I'm assuming they were running pants of some sort, that were so tight I now am as intimately familiar with certain areas of his body as his wife. And I tried not to look, I assure you.
ReplyDeleteI know the locker room can be an awkward place, but please, put some street clothes on before wandering back out among the unsuspecting!
Alright James, but I'm old enough to see those whale tails and think that they look like...well, something other than thongs. These elastic thingies that held...well...they're just better off undercover.
ReplyDeleteCarson
To answer JOB's original question, facial piercings have the same effect on me as speedos do on you - they stop me eating for a while. However, I'm not complaining. The more pierced eyebrows and noses that come my way, the better I fit into my speedos.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comment by the first Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteWhat the heck do you have against huge, pale Pillsbury Doughboy Canadians in red Speedos and brown socks?
ReplyDeleteYo, Jim, 73 degrees and sunny in L.A. today.
Tatoos of any kind--male or female versions!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I should laugh a men in speedos or dork board shorts that extend to the ankles.
ReplyDeleteBTW: in Ontario, we have diamond lanes for buses, taxis, and 'Mericans who drive really slowly. We welcome your American dollar, but only if it is still worth more than the Canadian loonie.