Last week I was privileged to attend a 40-hour Homicide Investigation training course with members of various law enforcement agencies. The curriculum included lectures by experts in interrogation strategy, serology, child homicides, murder and the law, and coroner protocol. All week I looked at gruesome crime scene and autopsy photos and listened to horror stories without even wincing.
Then came the forensic entomologist.
The “bug guy” was hilarious. In fact, he could be doing stand-up at The Comedy Store. He passed around vials of parasites floating in alcohol and talked about the implication of finding stinkbugs at a crime scene and how long it takes for cockroaches to skeletonize a dead body. All good stuff if you are a homicide detective or a crime fiction writer.
I don’t like bugs but like everybody else, I deal with them. On at least two occasions, my garbage can has blossomed with maggots. It was icky but a few sprays from a can of bug killer made them melt faster than the wicked witch of the west.
I was confident I could handle anything Bug Guy threw my way. Then he showed the photo.
I will spare you the details since some of you may be enjoying a cheese Danish about now and I don’t want you to have a physiological response near your keyboard. We all know how delicate they are. I’ll just say the picture was so gross that a week later I still can’t get it out of my head. It lives with me day and night, scuttling into my consciousness whenever my mind is free to wander. I tried to banish it with reason and meditation but the image is an alien that has invaded my brain.
Later, I confessed my wussitude to a homicide detective friend of mine. As predicted, he wasn’t fazed by any bug action. However, he had a confession of his own. He is freaked out by horror movies. He said, “Anything you shoot five times and it’s still coming at you? I’m out of there.”
I presume we all have an “ick” threshold. What’s yours?
Happy Monday!
P.S. On Saturday night, I attended the annual Twice a Citizen banquet honoring the hundreds of Los Angeles Police Department Reserve Officers. The LAPD command staff (chiefs and such) selected my partner and me as the Department’s Co-Reserve Officers of the Year. Police Chief William J. Bratton presented us with the award. Pretty cool.
first of all, congratrulations for your award, patty. i never got one - not even for the mother of the year. i guess i should have left more clues round the house when the girls were still small and easier to impress.
ReplyDeleteit wasn't the cheese danish that got stuck in my throat, but suddenly the chicken korma in front of me didn't look that appetising any more.
i find forensics really interessting and i like to watch autopsy - the program, not the real thing. it is incredible what they can do nowadays.
sybille
A number of years ago, a senior in high school ODed in my classroom (another teacher's student). Because of legalities, the school nurse and I had to remain in the room with her until the police and ambulance arrived. It wasn't too pleasant as she vomited and vomited and vomited. At one point the nurse looked at me, a teacher of English, and said, "You know, you can bring them in bleeding and coughing, and I'll deal with it. But when they throw up, it just makes me sick!"
ReplyDeleteSandy
Congratulations. That's quite an honor.
ReplyDeleteJim
Sybille, sorry about the chicken korma and BTW, what's chicken korma? Funny line about your daughters. I'm sure they would give you top awards.
ReplyDeleteSandy, what a horrible experience and thanks for reminding me about vomit. I'm really really sensitive to smells and that one in particular.
Thanks James O. My honor pales in comparison to all of your hero awards.
Congrats. Next step, Detective Sergeant!
ReplyDeleteLike Indiana Jones, I hate snakes. We have rattlers in our neighborhood in the summer, thanks to the surrounding dry hills.
A long time ago, I attended the week-long seminar "Medico-Legal Investigation of Death," run by the Dade County M.E.'s office for homicide detectives. Helped me create the character of Doc Charlie Riggs, retired M.E., and sidekick of Jake Lassiter.
Lots of slide shows. Not for the squeamish.
I learned how a land crab helped ID a dead woman. (It ended up wearing the wedding band of the deceased, after nibbling at her body).
What a great story about the crab with the wedding ring. You just can't make that stuff up.
ReplyDeletechicken korma is a mild indian curry with a bit of coconut - very delicious, but should not be eaten while reading the naked truth!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat's chicken korma???? Oh, Patty, you haven't lived until you've had a chicken korma - I so miss really good Indian food (mind you, I probably couldn't eat it now, what with my digestive "issues.")
ReplyDeleteI had an ick-moment yesterday. My friend's horse had been bitten by a bug along his jawline, and it had become infected and festered into a large puss-filled lump. Together my friend and I applied hot compresses to encourage it to be "productive." It worked, and the fall-out, not to put too fine a point on it, almost had me bending over in the bushes. I'd gone through a similar thing with Sara, when her sinus infection broke through her cheekbone - funny thing was, on that occasion I just did the doctoring until the vet arrived and I didn't have any adverse reactions. Maybe the adrenalin kicked in because it was my horse and I was scared for her.
In any case, here's a big CONGRATULATIONS to you, Patty - what an accomplishment. You are a star, and we've got you here at Naked Authors. I call that a coup.
Thanks for the intelligence on chicken korma. You Brits do have all of those faboo Indian restaurants. Will look for the recipe.
ReplyDeleteOur J, your "ick" moment sounds very icky. BTW, why doesn't Maisie have a horse?
Yeah, Officer Patty!
ReplyDeleteI know how much time and dedication you've given this organization. The honor is way cool.
Eyes. Anything to do with eyes. There was a two week long ophthalmology section in my Vet. Sci II class this quarter-it was a very long two weeks for me as my instructor had lots of photos and the section ended with a ophtho lab complete with a dissection of a sheep's eyeball. After a discussion with my instructor, she gave me a paper lab to complete. I think it was the image of me cowering in a corner sobbing that did it.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, Officer Patty. Perhaps Bratton will put in a word on your behalf with QE II, and next year at this time you will be honored as Reserve DBE of the year. Stranger things have happened....
ReplyDeleteMy issue? Crickets! Generally I love and am fascinated by insects, but crickets just horrify me. Especially in the house. Especially the severed legs--the remainder having been eaten by one of the kitties.
Yayyy on the LAPD honor, Patty. :-D
ReplyDeleteOur friend, Jay, who worked for the coroner's office for 10 years picking up dead bodies and doing the usual with them, ie. autopsies, is also a stand up comedian with brilliant timing. There are stories... However, at a convention, a NY agent offered to represent him on the comedy circuit. Jay politely turned him down. Who knew where it might have led?
And yes, some of his stories - the ones he's allowed to tell - can be really, really gross, too. The scary movie he could watch for years was Carpenter's "The Thing". The part where the doc is giving the injured guy cardiac electroshock and then loses not only the paddles AND his hands when the 'victim's' chest becomes a massive set of jaws freaked Jay out and gave him nightmares.
Jay's on disability now, having only one eye and only 40 percent vision in that on a good day, thanks to PTD and diabetes. But he still makes us laugh. :-)
Happy Monday, everybody!
Marianne
PS: We donated two and half rooms worth of usable furniture to the Donation Exchange Program here in RI this morning. For furnishing apartments for the homeless and battered women. It's our good deed for the week.
We had some brilliant Indian food in England two weeks ago. Sigh. Miss it...
ReplyDeleteMarianne
Congrats, Patty!
ReplyDeleteOnly...I kinda thought that the whole idea of being Naked was to lose your Reserve?
Thanks for the great stories, you guys. And your best wishes. Norby, I'm SO glad I didn't discuss THE photo because it would have hiked your ick threshold.
ReplyDeleteMims, what's a DBE?
ReplyDeletefrom Jacqueline
ReplyDeleteDBE is a Dame of the British Empire - effectively a Knighthood for women. Think Dame Phyllis (P.D. James), Dame Ruth (Rendell), Dame Judy (Dench), Dame Maggie (Smith). I keep wondering whether becoming an American citizen will bring the chances of me getting a Dame-hood even lower than they are already. Dame Patty sounds good to me ...
so does dame jackie, jackie!
ReplyDeletei didn't know about ruth rendell. still have an autographed proof of one of her books from her hutch days.
sybille
That's right, Sybille. Our J and I are just a couple of dames. We should be recognized.
ReplyDeletefrom Jacqueline
ReplyDeleteYou know, Sybille, I think I have the same proof - wasn't it for "The Return" or something like that?
And Patty, I love the idea of being two old Dames!
Two Old Dames. Sounds like a great idea for a BBC comedy.
ReplyDeleteyes jackie, i think it was that one. can't tell for sure because it hasn't found its way to my shelves yet since we moved.
ReplyDeletehappy tuesday to you two old dames and the rest of the naked crowd.
sybille
Two Grand Dames sounds even better.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jeff. Can you put in a good word for us with The Queen?
ReplyDelete