Count Your Shekels

By Paul
Let’s pick up Patty’s thread of yesterday: publishers who exaggerate the sales of best-selling authors. Patty used the example of Clive Cussler who is in serious litigation with the producers of the horrendous movie “Sahara.” The movie was adapted from old Cuss's potboiler novel of the same name, despite the story being about the search for a sunken ironclad vessel from the Civil War.

(I happened to watch “Sahara,” but only because Penelope Cruz co-starred. And I watched every idiotic minute, despite the fact she remained fully clothed. Sorry. I do Ms. Cruz an injustice for that sexist remark, which Jim Born suggested. Penelope Cruz is a terrific actress, and if you haven’t seen “Volver,” for which Ms. Cruz is nominated for an Oscar, do! The movie is warm and sweet and funny and if you don't enjoy it, Jim Born will give you back your money, popcorn included.)



But I digress. Before you think that this post is nothing but a shameless attempt to post provocative photos of Penelope Cruz, let's get back to the issue Patty raised.

Book sales numbers. There is a converse problem here. (Note to Jim Born. “Converse” is not a brand of sneakers. It means “opposite” or “contrary.”)

I speak of foreign publishers whom many authors believe are robbing them blind! It’s a widely held belief that you can’t get a fair shake on foreign sales, and it’s way too complicated and expensive to do an accounting in...say Bulgaria...where we recently sold “Solomon vs. Lord.” Who’s going to go over their books? Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom? Borat?

MY EUROPEAN ACCOUNTANT

I’ve had books translated into more than 20 languages and have never gotten a kroner, mark, peso, yen, or shekel in royalties. (Yes, I’ve sold books to Israel, too. Not a matzoh crumb in royalties).

Sure, I’ve gotten advances from foreign publishes on all those books, but never has one been shown to have recorded a profit, i.e., earned back the advance.

But all this is about to change. My new publisher in Germany, Heyne, is renowned for creative covers, excellent promotion, and integrity. The publisher has retained the blurbs I wheedled from big-name authors:

"Ein sexy, skurriler, wunderbarer Roman mit Humor und Herz." ---Harlan Coben

They've also changed the title. "Solomon vs. Lord" is now “Liebe Lebenslanglich,” ("Everlasting Love"), which I trust is satirical. (As you know, the Germans are famous for their thigh-slapping humor).”



Wait a second! Who the heck is “Polly Levine?”

Ah, they tell me that these sort of books (sex, murder, laughs) sell mainly to women, who in turn, respond better to women authors. I agree. Would you be interested in "Gone With the Wind" by Philip Roth? I don't think so.

So I suggested the nom de plume, "Renee DePres." (Note to Jim Born. "Nom de plume" is Hebrew for "Please, no more prunes.") "Renee DePres" was rejected as too weird, despite it being my wife's actual name. *********************************************************************************

/>


“YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB, SAMMY.”
Surprise, our "Idiot of the Week" hails from the Bush Administration. He’s Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman. After the United Nations released its report on global warming, announcing in effect that the human race is poisoning the planet and Iowa would soon have beaches on the Pacific Ocean, Bodman said: “The United States is a small contributor when you look at the rest of the world.”

Well, true, sort of. We only contribute 25% of the greenhouse gases. But then, we only have 4.5% of the world’s population.

Welcome to the Bush World of Truth, where last week the Vice President told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that we have had “tremendous successes in Iraq.”

******************************************************************************
PLAY PAUL’S TRIVIA FOR CASH

Who’s the only person to ever win an Oscar, a Tony, an Emmy, and an Edgar? The first person to answer correctly wins the next $1 million in counterfeit currency confiscated by Special Agent James O. Born.

*******************************************************************************

HISTORICAL TRIVIA QUESTION

There is one person in American history –- and quite well known – who was personally acquainted with these two U.S. Presidents, John Quincy Adams (who served from 1825-1829) and Franklin Roosevelt (1933-1945). Who's the old codger who lived such a long and full life? Clue: It's not Clive Cussler

Paul