Barbiephobia

By Cornelia



It's that time of year again: everybody going all feral on each other at the mall, nothing but "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" on the radio, freezing rain... spotlit life-size plastic lawn creches, rollicking nights of dreidels and gelt and latkes, nekkid druids mucking about in solstice-ian groves by moonlight, or various and sundry objets du Kwanzaa. And gift lists.

I am such a huge loser at the organizational part of this season I should probably celebrate Chinese Christmas, which would be sometime in late January, shortly before Chinese New Year. The whole thing pretty much gives me hives. I mean, I like eggnog, joyful children, and hanging stockings by the chimney with care and everything, and I REALLY like latkes, but the piped-in Claus-centric ersatz jollity stuff drives me up a wall.

The thing I fear most about the-tidings-of-comfort-and-joy racket is the likelihood that I will find myself in some Big-Box toy store after dark sometime around the 23rd of December, when everyone still out shopping has taken on the general demeanor of ravenous flesh-eating zombies. Inevitably, I will get shoved screaming into the hot pink torture zone of The Barbie Aisle, where I will be trapped so long by the madding crowds as to be rendered unconscious by the sheer profusion of sparkly fuchsia and lavender accoutrements.

I have loathed Barbie for as long as I can remember. I have never actually owned one, and the closest I ever got to "playing" with anything from the Their Satanic Mattel Majesties was ripping the heads off my sister's Barbies and Kens and exchanging them to put on drag revues.

Apparently, I am not the first person to whom this activity has occured:


Although I am in more awe of the people who switched the voiceboxes on Barbies and GI Joes some years ago so the latter could squeak "Math is hard!" for a change.

I've heard rumors that the first iteration of Barbie was based on a German "pleasure doll," which would not surprise me in the least. Barbie No. 1 looks a lot tartier than her descendants, if slightly less vapid:



And this version from the early sixties had the whole "I'm squintily FRENCH! And all of my clothes just blew off!" routine pretty well memorized (don't get me started on blue eyeshadow, speaking of hives):

Which is not to say I'm in favor of the Islamist backlash version (to crib a joke from Ann Coulter, "Hey Skipper, does this trenchcoat make me look fatwa?"):


Though perhaps Fulla is preferable to this chick:


And to Halle Barbie...


Not to mention Macrame Barbie and "Dry Look" Ken (by Prince Matchabelli, IIRC):

There's a Barbie for everyone, apparently... Lilly-Pulitzer-clad for the Stepford fan (AKA "Palm Bitch Barbie"):
"Art-Deco Bestiality Barbie" (giant gorilla hand sold separately):


You can go Aristo:


Or just Arrest-o:



...NASCAR Barbie...
...Or NCC-1701...
They even have Lord of the Rings sets of B&K, though they're kind of retreads from last year.

The only Barbie I've ever come close to actually liking is also the only one I've ever actually purchased (not for myself, but for my goddaughter Hope on her second birthday):


... complete with wife-beater shirt under her leathers.

If they ever let me design celebrity-theme Barbies, these would be my top ten:

1. "Whatever Happened to Barbie Jane":


2. "Behind-the-Green Barbie":


3. "Fatal Barb-traction":


4. Barbie Riefenstahl:


5. "Bride of FranKENstein":


6. "Barbie 'n' Clyde":


7. "Rosemary's Barbie":


8. Carrie + Barbie = Carbie?


9. Okay, this one is just outright type-casting:


And, of course,

10. Barbie Horror:



Tell me your worst-nightmare Barbie...

And Happy Holidays!